Lip Balm Guy

For the full experience, read the preceding entries from the Collector before meeting Magic Mike.

Entry #6 Posted on July 18, 2019:

I know it smells really good in that “I know it’s not food, but I really want to eat it” kind of way, but society as a whole decided that we wouldn’t actually eat lip balm. I’m sure a few kids have at some point in time. There are also a few kids have eaten Tide Pods. I was one quarter disturbed and two quarters impressed when a man ate a full stick of a reddish stick lip balm at Sog’s.

The other quarter, for those of you who passed fourth grade, was paying attention to Sam the barista. I’m convinced that he will break character one day. Although, I’m not sure what it will look like because I didn’t know him before he took on the role, and I don’t know what he would consider out of barista character. He messed up an order the other day, but I couldn’t help but feel like it was intentional – a calculated mistake to add realism to the character.

While those thoughts were going on in one quarter of my brain, the other three quarters were melting. I was drinking a hot chocolate when a man in a banana yellow polo caught my attention. He had pulled the lip balm out of his pocket under the watchful gaze of my ¾ brain stare. Unperturbed he applied the balm to his lips. Paused. Sniffed the stick. Twisted the entirety of the product out of the tube. Then he put the entire thing in his mouth. I almost gasped. I had never witnessed such savage hedonism. I was engrossed – full brain (until Sam began taking an order from my friend in snowshoes).

The lip balm eater washed down his snack with what remained of morning coffee and exited. No one else had noticed. Sadly, that’s where this story ends. He was a one-time customer at Sog’s. When I didn’t see him return to my usual haunt within the month, I began peeking around other local cafes. There was no sight of him. I know a few other collectors and they hadn’t seen such man, few have. He may have skipped town out of embarrassment at his loss of self-control, or maybe he hadn’t existed at all. I should really lay off of the chocolate.